Samurai Cop

Samurai Cop - 1989 - USA - Action/Exploitation

Dir: Amir Shervan

Samurai Cop is bad. The production value, acting, music, choreography, even the art direction, are all deplorable.  But if you're like me and you get a kick out of terrible movies, Samurai Cop is great fun.

This film costars Robert Z'Dar, the man with the invincible chin.  You may know him from his role in Maniac Cop and his small part as a convict in the buddy cop flick Tango & Cash.  If you have seen him before, you will recognize him.  The chin is unmistakable, and unstoppable.

Samurai Cop dumps you right into the action from the get go. Robert Z'dar, who plays a mob boss big shot for a Japanese gang named Katana, starts doing some wheeling and dealing with some other Asian gangs, which almost immediately results in some sort of small scale gang war.  To be honest its so poorly scripted its nearly impossible to tell whats going on at first, or who's fighting/shooting at who. Suddenly, Samurai Cop and his trusty sidekick intercept one of the gangs' drug deals, and a lengthy chase ensues.  This film has plenty of bizarre transitions such as this one, most likely attributed to it's broken script.

The plot revolves a man named Joe Marshall, a cop trained in Japan for martial arts, who is hired by the local police department to fix the city's gang problem. Joe Marshall, the Samurai Cop, has a giant, flowing mop of overly groomed black hair, and somehow seems to charm the pants off of every girl that appears on the screen, even ones associated with the gang he is assigned to get rid of.  His acting is so shitty its mind boggling, but all these attributes boost the characters' absurdity and bring about some good hearty laughs.

Samurai Cop's charm lies almost entirely in it's shittyness.  It's not tongue and cheek in the least.  There were a few times when film goes for a joke, but the real hilarity ensues within it's sincerity at actually attempting to be a serious film. 

The script in and of itself is a source of chuckles.  Some of the lines exchanged between characters are jaw droppingly insane.  Several times throughout the film I laughed out loud and thought "did they really just say that?".  There's plenty of one liners, but they are so bad they can barely be acknowledged.

Here's some more aspects of the film that attribute to its legendarily crappy reputation. The god awful 80's synth score. It's positively delightful.  The fight choreography, something that this film has a heavy dose of, is pretty pathetic as well.  There's no shortage of laughably bad fight scenes, and one particularly hilarious scene of a guy falling down a set of stairs as carefully as he possibly can.  Its clear that a few of the Asian gentlemen have a little bit of real life martial arts training, but the Samurai Cop himself seems to have little to none.

Many films of this caliber suffer from issues with pacing, but Samurai Cop never seems to slow down.  Its action packed from start to finish, and the laughs never stop. Watch it with a friend, crack open a few cold ones and let the laughs begin.
Certified Gem.


Action - 8.5/10
Choreography - 2/10
Blood n' Guts - 2/10
Laughs - 8/10
Acting - 1/10
OVERALL - 8/10

 Joe Marshall: Samurai Cop

 A baddie gets decapitated!

 Robert Z'Dar.  For the record that's %10 beard and %90 chin.

 How am I supposed to take this scene seriously with that in the background?

 A showdown between Samurai cop and this dude.

 Samurai Cop, WTF are you wearing?

The almighty chin wields a katana.

Isle of the Damned

Isle of the Damned - 2008 - USA - Cannibal/Comedy/Parody

Dir: Mark Colegrove

The first time I attempted to watch Isle of the Damned it was with a few friends.  All of us decided to shut it off and watch something else within the first 60 seconds.  No, it wasn't because we saw something that shocked us, it was because as soon as the film starts, it reeks of trying too hard. Today I decided to give it another chance, but its still clear that this one is in desperate need of a tad bit more subtlety.

The plot revolves around a crew of idiot morons that decide to sail to an infamous island to seek out a treasure.  Their plan is quickly thwarted as they find the island is inhabited with savage cannibals. What follows is quite dull and unoriginal.

This movie claims to be a lost European video nasty from 1980, but unfortunately it doesn't take long for anyone to notice that its clearly an American film that was made in the past 10 years.  The "aged film" filters aren't convincing as the colors are still too vibrant and the picture quality is crystal clear.  The film is dubbed throughout, and the voice acting is horrifically overwrought. Clearly they were going for comic relief, but it doesn't come off as funny, just annoying.  The protagonist, named Jack Steele, sports a shitty blonde wig and a fake looking 70's handlebar mustache, and is dubbed with a blaxploitation type voice, (which I've seen pulled off well in other real European films) and the other characters are mostly dubbed with intentionally high pitched, child like, irritating voices.

Isle of the Damned is a lackluster attempt at both a comedy and a parody, and I'd say is on par with one of the later Scary Movie series or a bad Wayans Brothers film.  I chuckled maybe twice throughout the whole movie.

There are plenty of attempts at shock scenes.  Fetuses are ripped out and eaten, people and castrated, and there is entirely too much rape, Unfortunately nearly all of them are poorly executed and failed to stir any sort of emotion out of me other than apathy.  The only kill scene that I got a kick out of  was when a giant paper mache snake ate a dude's face.

One thing Isle of the Damned taught me is "Don't judge a DVD by its cover."  This film, according to the cover, is "The 1980 cult classic . . . for the first time in North America", and "Banned in 492 Countries!". (which of course is far fetched, but appealing none-the-less)  The cover art is pretty great too, and is perhaps the only thing about the film that looks vintage and authentic.

Isle of the Damned is a lousy film.  It falls flat in all aspects, and fully failed to entertain me.  Avoid it at all costs, unless your a fan of shitty parody movies and the Scary Movie series.

Plot - 5/10
Blood n' Guts - 5/10
Laughs - 2/10
Shocks - 3/10
OVERALL - 3/10    


Investigator Jack Steele

 A crew of boring, uninspired characters.  Good thing they all die. (Spoiler? Meh, who cares.)

Native Cannibal.

 A redeeming kill scene.

Some gore/

Adam Chaplin

Adam Chaplin - 2011 - Italy - Horror/Splatter/Revenge

Dir: Emanuele De Santi

Adam Chaplin is a movie that had been on my list of things to watch for quite some time, but due the absence of a Region 1 or 0 DVD release I had been unable to until just recently.  I am certainly glad that I can finally watch it.  Written, directed by and starring Emanuele De Santi, this is a great effort by a first time film maker, the budding talent is clear as day.

This flick takes place in a fictional land named Heaven Valley, a dark, bleak place run by the mob, where insane ultra villains run rampant, and the laws of physics seemingly don't apply.

Adam, the protagonist, is hell bent for revenge.  He tears through the city on a murderous rampage looking for the mob boss who ruthlessly burned his beloved girlfriend alive.  Adam is accompanied by a demon, spawned by his own hate and anger, who lives inside his back and occasionally comes out to join in to help mutilate his foes.  Adam and his demon rip people apart with their bare hands, possessing super human strength, allowing his fists to move at lightning speed, which makes for some fantastically gory scenes. 

The characters in this movie are great. They are fleshed out, given in-depth back stories and personalities, and the costume design is absurd and fantastically inspired.  The most intriguing character is without and doubt the main super villain mob boss, named Denny.  His costume design is fucking great and his back story is heavily detailed.

The blood and guts are beyond plentiful.  Heads are smashed and cut to bits, limbs are torn off, bodies are generally decimated.  Most of the kills happen at a cartoonishly fast pace, its very comic book inspired.  The director even went as far to refer to the style as H.A.B.S. (Hyper-Realistic Anime Blood Simulation).  There is a special feature on the DVD about it that I have yet to watch.  The only problem with this H.A.B.S. style of violence is the use of CGI.  Plenty of the kills have fantastic practical gore effects, but a good deal of them use obvious CGI blood and action effects.  This is certainly one of the films largest flaws.  The makeup crew clearly knew what they were doing, and with a bit more effort some of the kills could have been done with practical effects and camera tricks and looked fine.  Despite my undying hatred for CGI in B movies, most of the kills were so fucking brutal and awesome I was able to look past it for the most part.

Another thing that I disliked was the color scheme.  Blue, blue, blue.  Nearly every scene is drenched in highly saturated shades of blue.  It was clearly done to establish atmosphere, but I think it could have been toned down a little.

Despite it's flaws, Adam Chaplin is still greatly entertaining splatter movie, one of the best I have seen in a while, and I would highly reccomend it to gorehounds and comic book fans.  Certified Gem.

Blood n' Guts - 9/10
Action - 8/10
Makeup FX - 8/10
CGI - 4/10
Plot - 7/10
OVERALL - 8.3/10


 Adam Chaplin lurks in the sewers.

 The demon emerges for the first time.

 A freshly demolished face courtesy of Adam

 Mob boss Denny Richard performing morbid experiments.

 Denny close up.

 Impaled.

 

Cannibal Apocalypse

Cannibal Apocalypse - 1980 - Italy - Cannibal/Action

Dir: Antonio Margheriti

Unlike almost every other Italian cannibal film from this era, Cannibal Apocalypse takes place in a urban city setting rather than a jungle.  The opening scenes however, take place in Vietnam. The abundance of American military stock footage used in these scenes are a clear testament to the movie's budget restraints.  Two starved American POW's are found being held captive in a deep hole in the ground, it quickly becomes apparent that these men have resorted to cannibalism.  These men eventually bring the habit home with them and somehow it spreads across the city like some sort of disease.

The responsibility of  unraveling the mystery of the spreading cannibalism fad falls upon Norman, (played by John Saxon)  the soldier who had originally found the POW's. Norman is plagued by nightmares of the war and quite possibly a bad case of PTSD, but his issues cant compare that that of the men he had rescued..

This film has no shortage of action, there are plenty of gunfights and cap bustin', showdowns with the police and fights with thugs on the street, to be honest theres more shooting than there is flesh munching.  Unfortunately, despite all the action this film still manages to drag at parts, as there are lulls of action in the film that don't manage to contribute any significant substance to the plot.  The plot itself starts to get a little strange, characters begin making decision that didn't seem very realistic, and there were a couple of holes in the story too.

Cannibal Apocalypse is overall an entertaining film, but it cant live up the the sheer brutality of other Italian Cannibal films from the era (Cannibal Ferox, Cannibal Holocaust and Jungle Holocaust, even Zombie Holocaust, which strangely enough has more cannibals than zombies in it.)  The gore is there, but there isn't a huge amount of it, and most of it doesn't look too great, which certainly hurts a movie in this type of sub-genre.

In conclusion, the flick is worth a watch if you are a fan of the genre, and I would suggest grabbing a copy of the DVD asap as it recently went out of print and I expect the price will begin to rise.

Plot - 6/10
Blood n' Guts - 6/10
Acting - 6.5/10
Action - 7.5/10
OVERALL - 6.5/10


The POW's in captivity.

A showdown in a shopping center. 

 Thugs looking for a fight.

 A rather lackluster attempt at eye gouge FX.

Burned alive in a sewer.

Buio Omega: Beyond The Darkness

Buio Omega: Beyond The Darkness - 1979 - Italy - Horror/Exploitation

Buio Omega: Beyond The Darkness is a video nasty made by one of the Italian horror heavyweights of the 70's and 80's; Joe D'amato.  D'amato has made around 200 films over the years, from sleazy softcore porn to hardcore exploitation and gore, he's done it all.

Buio Omega's plot revolves around a sick, twisted man who cannot deal with the recent loss of his lover and goes to extreme measures with his equally deranged accomplice Iris to preserve her corpse and to keep his macabre secret under wraps!

Like many Italian horror/exploitation  flicks of this time period, Buio Omega sports copious amount of gore and lengthy drawn out kill scenes, including a cringeworthy autopsy/pseudo mummification and some gruesome deaths including finger nail removal and decapitation via butcher axe.   This flick has its share of effective gross out scenes and demented sexual perversion as well, however a good deal of this malevolence is committed in front of a gorgeous rural Italian landscape. Despite this Buio Omega is certainly not a movie for the faint of heart, and is a video nasty in every sense of the word.

This flick has the nostalgic bad dubbing Italian films of this era are normally accompanied with.  It also has a synthesizer score by the one of the most highly regarded composers of the genre; Goblin.  The score is certainly fun, but unfortunately its nothing compared to the Goblin masterpieces on display in films like Dario Argento's Suspiria and Deep Red or the iconic score to Romero's Dawn Of The Dead.

I've always had a soft spot for Italian horror movies from this era, and Beyond The Darkness fits nicely into the category.  A worthy addition to D'amato's huge body of work and an overall entertaining film, give it a watch!

Plot - 7/10
Blood n' Guts - 7.5/10
Perversion - 7/10
Action - 6/10
Acting - 6/10
OVERALL - 7/10 

Stealthily preparing the corpse for preservation

 Yummy!

 Iris disposing of a body piece by piece

 Decomposing in a tub of acid.

 Being predatory in front of a breath taking landscape.

 Burnt alive in a furnace!

Stacy

 Stacy - 2001 - Japan - Zombie/Splatter

Stacy is a film I have been trying to get my hands on for many years,, either due to botched amazon deliveries or other issues I haven't been able to see it until now.  Stacy revolves around zombie school girls aged 15-17 known as "Stacies" who for some reason experience something called NDH "near death happiness" and turn into raving lunatic zombies.
 Stacy is silly and tongue in cheek, and like many overly gory low budget Japanese movies made as of late it feels like you are watching a live action manga.  Unfortunately when no one is getting mutilated Stacy fills time with lengthy scenes of "quirky" dialogue and situations that wind up just seeming boring. It introduces entirely too may dull and drab characters that I would much prefer to see just get chopped up than tell their life story.
The over the top blood n guts are where Stacy stands out the most.  The majority of the gore FX are delightful and the chainsaw scenes (although few and far between) don't hold back at all, they are shown in all their gory glory.
The camera work in Stacy is occasionally impressive and professional looking considering the budget, however shots are often squandered by flat lighting, a typically seen problem in B-movies.
One thing that is particularly obvious throughout is the abundance of American horror movie references and homages.  The chainsaws in the film are known as "Bruce Campbell's Right Hand 2", a blatant Evil Dead 2 reference, and the zombie killing task force was named Romero.  The makers of this film were clearly smitten with George Romero, as some scenes within the film so closely resembled scenes of Romero's Day Of The Dead that it felt more like a ripoff than a tribute. 
One thing that particularly annoyed me about Stacy was the ending, and how it went on...and on...and on.  The writer clearly didnt know how to wrap the film up and although it only has an 80 minute runtime there were about 5 times towards the last half hour of the film where it could have easily ended, but didn't.  It spent entirely too much time trying to tie in a love themed back-story to the plot, and clearly didn't know how to properly go about doing so.
In conclusion, Stacy has its moments but overall was a bit disappointing...Simply, If you are not a gorehound, chances are you will not find Stacy all that enjoyable.



Blood n' Guts - 8/10
Action - 6.5/10
Plot - 5/10
Acting - 5.5/10 
OVERALL - 6/10

A "stacy" gets liquidated by "romero"

The promotional bunnies showing off "Bruce Cambell's Right Hand 2"

 Exposed brain Stacy

A scene that greatly resembles a scene from Day Of The Dead.

Preparation for a bloody finale

Shaolin Drunkard

Shaolin Drunkard - 1983 - Hong Kong - Kung-Fu/Comedy

Shaolin Drunkard is a downright silly movie.  It feels like an Asian version the The Three Stooges doused in heavy doses of crack and LSD.  The comedic aspects of Shaolin Drunkard are most present through its slapstick style fighting and stunts, as well as its wacky actors and their facial expressions. this flick also uses a wide range of hilarious sound effects, and has monumentally bad and cheesy dubbing.

On top of being silly, this film is equally bizarre.  Shaolin Drunkard is so damn weird that I wouldn't hesitate to say that it gave me a bit of a surrealist vibe.  Many of the stunts, unique weapons and contraptions, and strange monsters are not only hilarious and bizarre but impressive and inspired.  All these great effects and stunts are complimented by vibrant and colorful set design.

I wont delve to deep into the plot, as it isn't all that interesting and often is squandered by several subplots, but I will say it revolves around an evil wizard held prisoner that escapes from the temple he is held in.  Its up to the old drunkard with obnoxiously big buck teeth and his unlikely sidekick to stop his path of destruction.

This particular Kung-Fu flick doesn't have a dull moment.  It moves at an extremely fast pace throughout. The fighting itself doesn't particularly stand out, but when the weapons and magical powers are brought into play, such as the metal rings, (wielded by the evil wizard), things get real interesting and the stunts become quite complex and fun to watch.  The director Woo-Ping Yuen has an impressive resume in stunt and action director work, including films like Drunken Master, Kill Bill Vol. II, and Kung Fu Hustle (which happens to bare a strong resemblance to this film)

Overall Shaolin Drunkard is an extremely entertaining film.  The FX are great, the laughs come often and the cheese level is high.  If you're a fan of Kung-Fu and general silliness give it a watch.

You probably wont have any luck finding the DVD, whole thing is on youtube though! Shaolin Drunkard youtube link
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Plot - 4/10
Action - 9/10
FX - 8/10
Laughs -  8/10
Blood n' Guts - 2/10
OVERALL - 8/10 



The drunkard does some silly nonsensical shit.

The evil wizard prepares his escape!

Getting slapped around by a spinning boxing glove booby trap.

Wielding the power of flame!

A scheming street merchant.

An enormous evil toad lurks behind the drunkard!

Nekromantik

Nekromantik - 1987 - Germany - Horror/Shock/Art-House

Nekromantik is an infamous German video nasty from director Jorg Buttgereit.  Out of print for many years and infinitely hard to find on DVD or VHS without dropping a small fortune, it only built intrigue for years in the minds of those like myself who haven't seen it.

Rob, a morgue attendent, lives with his girlfriend Betty.  Right off the bat it becomes apparent that this couple is a little off, and might have a few screws loose.  Rob keeps jars of preserved body parts sitting on his shelves, and Betty is first shown taking a bath filled with blood.  It isn't long before these two are overtaken by their obsessions with death and succumb to more sinister urges.

It only becomes more apparent of Robs fascination with the macabre as he performs an autopsy.  Intertwined with this scene is stock footage of a real live rabbit being killed and skinned by a farmer, an uneasy scene to sit through particularly for an animal lover like myself.

The weirdness grows exponentially after Rob steals a corpse from his workplace to bring home to show his wife.  In no time a love affair between the rotting corpse, Rob and Betty starts.  Quickly they begin engaging in taboo acts of necrophilia.  These scenes, macabre and gross as they may be, aren't portrayed so in the film, as they are accompanied with a romantic piano score and are artistically shot.

I hesitate to call Nekromantik an art house film, but that's essentially what it is.  Rather than relying on plot points to tell the story, this film jumps from scene to scene rather sporadically and uses symbolism and metaphors to convey its message.

Essentially, Nekromantik is a film about not only accepting the prospect of death, but embracing it.  Embracing it to the point where one can gain sexual arousal from it.  Nekromatik, overall, is a happy film i think.  Despite the dark subject matter and all the blood and guts thrown in, we find our lead character liberated, and finally able to feel happiness through the prospect of dying and death, shown tenfold in the beautifully absurd ending.


Plot - 8/10
Acting - 7.5/10
Blood n' Guts - 7/10
Macabre - 9/10
Action - 4/10
OVERALL - 7.5/10



Rob examines one of his specimens

Dead guy in a wheelbarrow

Getting intimate with a corpse.

Taking a literal bloodbath.

Rob in a hallucinatory state.

Major headache!